*BIG* feelings

 

We've had some big feelings come out in the last few weeks.  It has not been pretty.  And it is *hard* to respond in appropriate ways when my kiddos are taking those big feelings out on me.  I know I'm a safe person in my children's lives, so they're trusting me to be able handle it.  And in turn, it's my job to help them learn another way of handling their emotions.  This is a huge responsibility!

One of the ways I help my children process their big emotions after a blow-out is through coloring.  (It's important to also color during happier times, so it doesn't feel like a reward -- extra time to together after a blow-out.)  We sit down together and get it all out on paper.  Then I add whatever words they want.  I encourage them to identify the feelings they were having when they were so upset.  Sometimes it is very insightful!  

Here, Keandre shares that his tummy is hurting.  He deals with chronic pain and a VERY limited diet, due to his EE & EGE.  He is starting to grieve the way he can't eat like other children.

It has also been a very tough adjustment for him now that Daddy has a full time job.  Andy was unemployed, and working occasional contract jobs from home, for the last 3 years.  Now he works long hours M - Th, plus finishing up some contract work on the weekends.  Praise God my sweetie can tell me what is upsetting him so we can help him work through it!

Nichole, age 7, is dealing with adoption losses.  Her birthmother (also Nichole) has been out of state for a while, and she really misses being in contact with her.  These are normal ups and downs in an open adoption.  I'm thankful she loves her birthmom and that she is willing to talk to me about it.

I'm feeling worn out by all the craziness and acting out.  So I needed to draw also.  As I put it on paper, not censoring how I think it 'should' look, I found myself calming down.  I was reminded of the Cross, and Christ's gift of forgiveness when I don't respond the way I want to.  I'm so thankful for His peace and comfort, too!



Lucas doesn't spill his emotions in the same intense way, but this approach is still very helpful for him.  Here is a picture he drew last year after he and I discussed a problem he faces regularly.  He was frustrated and tired of sharing a room with his brother.  Lucas can spend a couple hours cleaning his room, and within a two days (or is it hours?), it is a disaster again.  After working through it on paper, we talked about some solutions.

If you are caring for spirited or wounded children, I hope you'll consider a little informal art therapy.  I'd love to hear how it works out for you your kids! :)

It's really hard to pretend you're angry when you're no longer angry. :)

(Pictures and info shared with my children's permission.)

Have I ever told you about.....?

     

Two of our sweeties can be rather challenging.*

One precious child struggles, at the heart level, to fully trust us to meet needs, to be safe and trustworthy, to love no matter what.  There is a deep need to control the surrounding environment.  It is hard.

Another is strong-willed.  Desiring to keep us on our toes.  Arguing with pretty much everything we say.  Delightful, I know.  We choose to believe it's a stage. :)

When our kiddos were a little younger, there were days that I called my mom, in tears, fearing deeply that I may not be able to help my child's heart heal.  I was anxious about the depth of the battle.  I longed to love without conflict, yet unsure of how to do that. 

Cue the hallelujah chorus.

My mom, experienced Mama that she is (four kids in six years!), gave us one of the best parenting tips ever.  It takes the distraction tactic to a new level.  It helps avoid those silly little battles that don't need to happen.  It has saved many a morning around here when one child seemed determined to sabotage the day for everyone.  And here is how it works.  (Yes, I am sharing this little gem for free! ;)

Mama:  "Hey sweetie, it's time to go to the bathroom.  We're leaving soon."
Child:  "I don't need to go!"
Mama:  "That's okay.  You don't have to go -- you just need to try."
Child:  "I don't want to!  I already went a while ago."
(You can see where this is going, right?  Ugh.  Been there, done that.  Not getting anywhere that way.)

Let's try this again....

Mama: "Hey sweetie, it's time to go to the bathroom. We're leaving soon."
Child: "I don't need to go!"
Mama:  "Hey, have I ever told you about ANTEATERS?  Can you believe there is a type of animal that actually eats bugs?  Crazy, huh.  Are you hungry for ants?  I bet I could catch some for our morning snack.  Ha, ha, ha...."

Meanwhile, Mom takes the child by the hand and nonchalantly walks toward the bathroom while filling the child in on the amazing anteater.  Getting there, she helps the child onto the potty, and keeps on talking.  Child cooperates.  Child does not seem to notice that s/he has been had.  Or child does not care, and chooses to bask in the positive (rather than negative!) attention. 

AMAZING.  Life-changing for us.  I dare you to try it! 

This also works with getting shoes on, cleaning up toys (hand the child toys to toss into the tub while you chat), getting in the bathtub, etc.  The main trick is to be calm, keep it interesting, and keep on talking, engaging them as you go along.  And don't talk about the battle they just tried to start.  Just keep on going.  (Deal with those heart issues when your child is in a better mood.  I promise, your conversation will be much more effective that way!)

My problem was Mommy Brain.  You know....that tiny little issue where formerly intelligent women struggle to string two coherant thoughts together.  I loved this idea, but wondered how in the world I'd put it into practice on the days when I really needed it.  Those days when I'm wiped out, tired of the battles, and just trying to keep it together. 

Again, my Mom came through for me.  The alphabet.  Come on -- tell me you didn't wonder why in the world I started with Anteaters.  When I use this tactic, I start with the letter A and quickly scan through.  The first semi-intriguing topic that pops into my head is the one I go with.  Alligators?  The beach?  Falling stars?  You betcha. 

Okay, now it's your turn.  Try this out, and tell me how it goes.  If you love it, I'll pass along the thank-yous to my Mom. :)

And please feel free to share your sanity saver parenting tips, too!  Goodness knows we can all use new ideas from time to time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Did you know that a terribly stressful and conflicted pregnancy can change the way a child's brain develops? Our bodies are so intricately designed! Although healing truly is possible, it does not happen overnight, and it takes some pretty intentional parenting. More on that another day.

quiet

I know, I've been a little quiet lately.  There just hasn't been a lot to share.  Unless you want to hear how hard our days have been lately, or about the discipline issues we're having.  About the anger rut two of my children seem to be stuck in.  Hard stuff.  Painful stuff.  And I haven't always handled it with the love and patience I like to think I have. 

It has been especially hard over the last 5 days because Andy has been gone from early morning until after dinner.  He was helping my brother and sister-in-law put on a huge plant sale (more on that later).  It's a busy weekend as he works 12 hour days alongside them.  Which means I've been on my own with the kids a lot....even though I've been at my wit's end with them. 

I've spent a lot of time praying, asking begging God to renew me, give me compassion and patience even when I'm exhausted.  It felt like He wasn't answering.  I felt powerless to pull us out of this ickiness.  Until late this morning, that is. 

I was talking with the kids about our last few days.  We were gathered in a circle on the living room floor, just hanging out, and I John 1:9 came to mind.  "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  Oh, how I needed that reminder.  My kids, too.  We talked, we prayed together, we confessed our sins to God and each other.  And then we started over. 

Has it been happy-go-lucky, tulips and daffodils since then?  No way.  One child has been throwing up every half hour.  Another spent 20 minutes sobbing in my arms, grieving part of her adoption journey, and another is as mischevious as ever (although with a little more softness in his eyes).  But we're hanging in here.  God is giving me a little more of that elusive patience I've been longing for.  He's allowed me to see my children with fresh eyes, with a persevering love that will take what's given, and work with it.  I am so, so grateful. 

I've gotta go now.  I need to unpack that suitcase that I'd imagined in my mind.  And cancel the week-long stay at a plush resort that I dreamed up.  I'm going to stay right here, trusting that I can do this the rest of today.  And maybe tomorrow.  One crazy, painful, chaotic hour at  a time.

The Challenge

It has been rough around here lately with our older three.  We suspect it comes with the territory, because of the journey our family has been on for the last few months. 

Andy was laid off in November '08.  There is not much need for an architect in this market, so it has been an up and down road of learning to trust God deeply to meet our needs.  We have not been terribly stressed about finances -- just cautious.  But when Andy is able to get a contract job, he goes from being an active part of family life, and involving the kiddos in various home projects, to suddenly working long hours to meet a deadline and praying that this new client will lead to another job opportunity.  This wreaks havoc on family routines, for obvious reasons.  And me?  Oooh, that is another journey altogether.  'Take it easy' status, followed by bed rest, then sudden hospitalization & stricter bedrest, then no bedrest - but weak and tired, then 'Baby is here!'.  Ugh.  None of us have known quite how to 'normalize' that experience. 

For weeks now, we have been dealing with crazy amounts of whining, bickering, and sass.  Our best attempts at dealing with it have felt completely futile.  Last night, Andy and I were very discouraged.  It just seems that we have not been able to reach our children and deal with the heart issues that they are struggling with.

And then God brought Christine's blog entry to my mind.  To our knowledge, we are not dealing with attachment issues.  But we are dealing with children who feel a bit neglected, frustrated, and probably a lot of other emotions, too.  When I first read this entry, I thought it was a great idea, and I prayed for the MANY families who commented on her blog and took her up on her challenge.  But other than that, I was basically thankful that the more serious behavior challenges we've dealt with in the past, with the help of a wonderful Christian therapist, are not an issue right now.  But last night I was praying for our sweeties, and for wisdom for Andy and I, and I realized that is the level of intentionality we need in our parenting right now.  We can't expect to wing it on a daily basis and get great results when our family life has been chaotic for months now. 

So this morning we woke up, put smiles on our faces, and gave our kiddos lots of hugs and intentional, caring interaction.  We helped them with tasks they can technically do themselves -- like dressing, putting lotion on, etc.  We are calling them by loving nicknames, using active listening when they want to tell us something, and making sure they know how much we love them and feel blessed to be a family together.  We are changing the focus, and trusting that God will help us set a new tone for our family life in the days to come.  This is our chance for a new beginning as a family of six.  And we are ready!  We'd appreciate your prayers as we walk this path with our children. 

And thank You, Lord, for giving us a fresh start.  Please sustain us when we are tired at the end of a long day.  We are so blessed to be the parents, mentors, and nurturers of these four precious children!  Please help us to be good stewards of our time with them.

Our basic daily goals:
~lots of hugs and verbal reminders of our love for them
~as many positive and purposeful interactions as possible
~active play time with each of them, even if only for a few minutes
~family reading time (used to be a fav family activity)
~continue with consistent discipline and instruction

We won't be checking these off a list, but rather we'll see these as goals, and a focus to get back to when we feel that things are slipping. :)

Key phrases to avoid right now:
~Seriously....seriously?
~You've got to be kidding....does that ever work?
~How about your try that again with a little more whining....

Oh yeah....sarcasm has crept in.  And now we are cutting it out! ;)

Ready to work together now....