It's great to be five!

    

Keandre is a big fan of Bill Cosby's 'Little Bill'. If you are familiar with the show, you'll recognize the saying, "It's great to be five!"  March 10th was Keandre's big day, and he shouted it with pride. :) 

His breakfast of choice was a plateful of hash browns.  Can you see his excitement?

Keandre asked for an easy-going party at a local park.  He requested that everyone wear his favorite color, green, and that we serve only foods that are safe for him to eat.  I gave all the parents a heads-up that this party would be a little unusual....

It worked out great!  The kids all had great attitudes about the food.  We called it an 'eat like me' party, and served fresh-sliced apples, rice cakes, roasted garbanzo beans, and green beans. 

There were meaningful conversations amongst the parents and kids about how these are foods that are safe for Keandre, and that he can't eat most of the foods that they eat.  Empathy grew. :)

 Face painting was the highlight of the party.  My creative sisters-in-law came up with some great ideas, and the kids were all impressed.

Artan and Lucas contributed to the animal theme that caught on well with the boys.  (Most of the girls were princesses.)

Dessert was rice crispies made with homemade marshmellows. Keandre ate at least five of them, and wants me to make them again soon.

We all went home tired and happy.  Our little tiger declared the day a huge success! :)

*BIG* feelings

 

We've had some big feelings come out in the last few weeks.  It has not been pretty.  And it is *hard* to respond in appropriate ways when my kiddos are taking those big feelings out on me.  I know I'm a safe person in my children's lives, so they're trusting me to be able handle it.  And in turn, it's my job to help them learn another way of handling their emotions.  This is a huge responsibility!

One of the ways I help my children process their big emotions after a blow-out is through coloring.  (It's important to also color during happier times, so it doesn't feel like a reward -- extra time to together after a blow-out.)  We sit down together and get it all out on paper.  Then I add whatever words they want.  I encourage them to identify the feelings they were having when they were so upset.  Sometimes it is very insightful!  

Here, Keandre shares that his tummy is hurting.  He deals with chronic pain and a VERY limited diet, due to his EE & EGE.  He is starting to grieve the way he can't eat like other children.

It has also been a very tough adjustment for him now that Daddy has a full time job.  Andy was unemployed, and working occasional contract jobs from home, for the last 3 years.  Now he works long hours M - Th, plus finishing up some contract work on the weekends.  Praise God my sweetie can tell me what is upsetting him so we can help him work through it!

Nichole, age 7, is dealing with adoption losses.  Her birthmother (also Nichole) has been out of state for a while, and she really misses being in contact with her.  These are normal ups and downs in an open adoption.  I'm thankful she loves her birthmom and that she is willing to talk to me about it.

I'm feeling worn out by all the craziness and acting out.  So I needed to draw also.  As I put it on paper, not censoring how I think it 'should' look, I found myself calming down.  I was reminded of the Cross, and Christ's gift of forgiveness when I don't respond the way I want to.  I'm so thankful for His peace and comfort, too!



Lucas doesn't spill his emotions in the same intense way, but this approach is still very helpful for him.  Here is a picture he drew last year after he and I discussed a problem he faces regularly.  He was frustrated and tired of sharing a room with his brother.  Lucas can spend a couple hours cleaning his room, and within a two days (or is it hours?), it is a disaster again.  After working through it on paper, we talked about some solutions.

If you are caring for spirited or wounded children, I hope you'll consider a little informal art therapy.  I'd love to hear how it works out for you your kids! :)

It's really hard to pretend you're angry when you're no longer angry. :)

(Pictures and info shared with my children's permission.)

Happy Birthmother's Day!

    

Nichole and I surprised Destany with a visit today.

Destany gets to choose when she feels ready for a visit these days, and she had asked if we could celebrate Birthmother's Day again, like we did a couple years ago.  I said maybe.  I stalled.  I said hopefully sometime soon.  And secretly....I planned.

Standing in the line at Starbucks (Nichole and I needed a little treat!), I told her who the second coffee was for.  She squealed.  She jumped up and down.  She was absolutely glowing!  Everyone stared.  I thought of how God delights in giving gifts to us, His children, and how fun it was to give the gift of this visit to my precious daughter! :)

I'm so thankful our sweetie knows how loved she is....by ALL of her family.  Her birth grandma even sent her a gift when she sent one for Arjay and Dedrick, Nichole's sweeties.  What a special surprise!

Adoption is bittersweet.  It is a wonderful way to grow a family and provide a home for a child, but it is based on deep loss.  Today is a day that we can honor the connection and say thank you for the blessing of our children.

(See the link above to read a bit of history about this day, designated by moms who placed an infant child for adoption at birth.)
 
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Do you recognize Birthmother's Day in your home?  How do you honor your child's birthmother on this day?  If you do not know your child's birthmother, how do you keep her presence alive in your family at special times like this?  

cherry on top

 

I've talked a little in the past about the many blessings of a healthy open adoption.  But it's important to realize that open adoptions do not remove the normal grieving process that most children experience as they begin to understand the losses they have experienced along with the blessings. 

Destany and I are writing this post together, to share some analogies that describe our contact with her birth family, whom she adores and often wishes she could see every week.

1)  Our family life is like a hot fudge sundae.  It is good all on its own, and we are very blessed to have each other.  When we spend time with Destany's birth family, they are the cherry on top!  They make it just that much better.  But when time together is not possible, whatever the reason, we let ourself feel sad, then try to also appreciate the many blessings we still have.

2)  Destany also suggested that her birth mother is like a headband.  When Destany has a beautiful hair style, she celebrates it!  But no matter how pretty her braids or twists are, she always thinks she looks prettier with a headband.  It is the little extra that makes her smile.

3)  Birth family is like flowers in a colorful vase.  The vase is beautiful and precious all on its own.  But those flowers sure do accent it well!

We had fun coming up with lots of other silly analogies, but you'll have to ask us in person about those!  For now, I'm just thankful that God has blessed us with ideas for creative ways to work through some sad feelings.  As I tucked her into bed tonight, my sweet daughter was cuddly, delighting in these quiet moments together, and feeling very loved.  And I am praising the Lord for His grace, healing, and presence in our lives. 

Dear Grammy Tami

    

All of our children are aware, to some degree, of the big, wide world of blogging.  Our out-of-town family reads our blog and talks with them about it.  The kids enjoy seeing pictures on friends' blogs.  They have their own blogs that we incorporate into home schooling.  And sometimes they ask me to do specific posts on our family blog.  Here is a post that Keandre asked me to write!

We have very open adoptions (meaning fully identified, visits, etc.), although contact is sometimes sporadic.  Keandre's biological Grandma and Great-Grandma, as well as an uncle (age 6) live in Nevada.  We have not pursued much contact this year since we were rather busy with pregnancy bed rest and adding a precious newborn to our busy lives.  But recently we have been looking at pictures of his birth family and talking about them more. 

Today Keandre wanted to call Grammy Tami and leave her a message.  Then he drew her a special picture.  Then he dictated a very long letter for her!  He asked me to post it here.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dear Grammy Tami,

Please come over here and please see our chickies. We have Noodle, Blossom, and other chickies, and a bunny rabbit. Please come see them. And please come see my mom. Thank you.

And please come see my bed. I sleep in my room with my brother.

We saw Mya and Dennae yesterday. And Marcel and their baby Judah. I didn’t play in the sand or on the playground. They played and then we went to catch some fishies in a pond. Lucas catched five fishies. He put them in our little pond. Please come see it. Please.

I love you. Please come to the park and see all our friends. And Granny and Papa.

Please come see our baby. We have Brooklyn Isabella. Thank you. And please. And my chickies. They are nice. And they peck. Seven chickies.

Please come see our fire pit. It’s here. At our home. Our friends come. We eat hot dogs and we eat chicken food (ha ha…not really!). We eat marshmallows. We fire them.

I write a picture for you.

love, Keandre

Are you sensing a theme in this letter? I think my little guy would like a visit! We are praying it might be possible.  Grammy Tami has already replied to his letter, and Keandre was glowing with joy as I read it to him! :) 

Is was a cool morning....it was a happy morning!

After Destany's party yesterday, we invited Arjay and Dedrick to stay the night.  Thankfully, naptime was next on the agenda, and all but two kiddos slept, so even Mama was able to catch some Zs!  That was a great start to our time together. :)

After naps, first on the list was a snack and a nice long walk at dusk, followed by dinner, showers, and stories and prayers before bed.  Everyone was *wiped out*, and soon it was quiet.  Peaceful and quiet.  Blissful. 

And then....bright and early the pitter patter of feet, a 20-month-old who had forgotten where he was, kids excited to go outside and play.  And with the weather a cool 75 degrees, we lived it up!

Sorry - no pictures of the sleepy Mama. ;)  And Daddy was long gone, miles away, biking.  But, amazing Daddy that he is, he was soon home and took over so I could take a little break.  I can hear them wrestling out there right now.  Love it!

First giveaway!

I've always loved blog giveaways, but never had a good excuse to do one.  Now, as we go through our (too many) belongings with the goal of keeping only those things we need or love, we are finding we have duplicates of some items that we no longer need.  We have TWO copies of this book to give away!

This book was a great encouragement to me when we first adopted!  We didn't know anyone else who was pursuing the adoption journey the way we were -- with the goal of growing a mutually beneficial relationship with our daughter's first family.  This book  really encouraged us and 'normalized' our adoption journey -- for us AND for our daughter's birth mom -- so I purchased a few extra copies and loaned them out to family and friends who were interested in understanding our adoption journey better.  Now that we no longer need the extra copies, I'd love for them to go to new homes, to encourage and help other waiting or adoptive families, or for a birth family considering or participating in an open adoption. 

If you'd like to read more about the book, check out reviews here.

You can enter the giveaway two different ways.  One entry for each of the below:  (please leave separate comments for each of these)
1. Leave me a comment.  (If you don't mind sharing, I'd love to hear where you are in your adoption journey and why you are interested in the book. :) 
2. Become a follower of our blog (or let me know you are already a follower).  

We'll draw for two winners on Friday at lunchtime.  The kids can't wait to help draw the names! :)

family worship

One of my favorite loving and teaching moments of the whole week is when we worship together as a family.  At church on Sunday morning, our children stay with us until just before the sermon begins.  We sing together, pray together, and always...always!...Andy and I have children in our arms and all around us.  Our four, and often one or two extra -- neighbors, birth siblings, etc.  We love on them, explain the meaning of the songs we're singing, and encourage them to sing along.  When their voices lift in song with us, it is beautiful!

Our family worship began long ago, when we were expecting Lucas.  I remember tearing up in wonder, singing along as Lucas would kick and move inside me.  As an infant, we kept him in with us right from the beginning, and I regularly lifted him up in prayer while standing before our Lord in worship.  Naturally, this continued with each child.  When Marcel & Mya were living with us, this time took on new meaning.  I would hold them close, praying over them, sharing the meaning of the words and explaining the joy on the faces around them.  God used those Sunday mornings to bring moments of peace and bonding during a busy year of having five children ages 1 - 6.  Those times were also their first exposure to believers coming together in this way, to worship together.

We are incredibly blessed to live in a country that allows us to praise God openly, without persecution.  May we never take this for granted!

what should i say?

We spent the morning at a Mocha Moms business meeting and playdate.  Arjay is visiting for a couple days, and before we left, Destany and I had the following conversation:

Kiara: "Destany, when our friends ask who Arjay is, what would you like me to say?"

Destany: "Well, you could tell them he's related to me." 

Kiara: "Great!  What other answers could we consider?"

Destany: "He's my birth brother.....or we're twins."

Kiara: "Really?  How are you twins?"

Destany: "We're the same color and we look alike.  And we both grew in Nichole's tummy!"  (A minute later...)  "Or you could just tell them he's my brother." 

We love watching Destany treasure her connections with her birth family.  It's interesting to watch how she defines these relationships the way she wants to at any given time.  I just have to remember to ask her regularly since the answers sometimes change! :)

Only for a Time (Destany's story)

We have not had such a dramatic and painful moment with Destany as we did during Lucas' birth.  Instead, we have faced little challenges along with way that have, at times, worn us very thin.  But we had a very special beginning with Destany that has brought great reassurance during challenging times. 

Destany came into our lives when she was just three days old.  We received a call from our adoption agency asking if we would like to share our profile with a young mom in the hospital.  Instantly we knew....we just KNEW that we were supposed to be available for this little one.  We could have had concerns about the situation, but instead felt only peace.  In fact, I felt immediately that she was our daughter, and I will never forget the incredible joy that coursed through me when the agency director called back a couple hours later and asked how soon we could get to the hospital.  Nichole had chosen us to parent her daughter, and just hours later we were home with our sweetie!

A couple days later, I was napping with Destany next to me in our bed.  Andy came in to wake me up, and I started to weep.  I was thinking about how we had prayed for Lucas during his whole pregnancy, and had so much support when we were expecting him.  It was heartbreaking to realize that Nichole did not have that, and I was grieving for her deeply.  And then Andy gently reminded me that WE were praying for Nichole...even though we didn't know her.  Over the next few minutes, as we talked about this, we realized that we had started the adoption process the week Destany was conceived, and had been praying for her, and her birth mother, since that time.  God, in His providence, matched us long before we ever knew it.  We may not share Destany's genes, but God made it clear long ago that He brought her to us and has a plan for her in our family. 

Oh, how we adore our little girl.  She is our daughter, through and through.  We are incredibly blessed!

God has also allowed a very meaningful long-term connection with Nichole and her two young sons.  They are such a sweet little family, and we can't imagine our lives without them in it!

another great visit

We had to postpone our much-awaited Birthmother's Day breakfast because Nichole suddenly needed to drive to Texas on Saturday morning.  Arjay & Dedrick were visiting their Great-Grandma and Grandma in El Paso and needed to be picked up.  Their Grandma got very sick; thankfully she is recovering now.  Instead, to ease Destany's disappointment, we met at a McDonald's on Tuesday, for a little visit.  As always, we had a great time!  We feel so very blessed to have such a fun and easy-going relationship with Nichole, Marquis, and the boys. 

Birthmother's Day

We all know about Mother's Day, but did you know that another holiday is celebrated that same weekend?  Birthmother's Day is the day before Mother's Day, and in our family we treat it as a special day to celebrate our connection with our children's birthmothers. 

In years past, I have sent an update and special card around Birthmother's Day.  But last year we were able to start a new tradition.  For the first time, Destany and I officially celebrated Birthmother's day with her birthmom, Nichole.  We had a fun and meaningful morning together at a local restaurant, treating ourselves to lots of uninterrupted time to catch up, and a special breakfast to celebrate the relationship we have together.

 
A few days ago, Destany called Nichole to invite her out to breakfast this next Saturday.  She was delighted when Nichole said, "Well, of course!"  Hopefully Baby Girl will cooperate so we can make some more special memories. :)

Keandre's birthmother lives out of state, and we have only sporadic contact right now, but we have been emailing back and forth this week and I am enjoying the opportunity to put together a special update and new pictures for her as well.  As always, we are thankful that no matter the ups and downs we've faced in our relationship with her, she knows without a doubt that she is special to us and we care about her a lot. 

Adoption and the Census

We recently completed our 2010 Census form.  Although some adoptive parents in a Yahoo group I'm in were offended that they had to specify that their child was adopted and what ethnicity their child is, Andy and I saw it differently.  We're thankful for the way God has grown our family.  We would not want to deny, or hide, any part of our family story.  And we doubt that our children would want us to hide their story or ethnicity either -- even on paper. 

Adoption is not the same as it was in years past.  Many families proudly choose to adopt, whether they struggle with infertility or not.  Birthparents are more likely to openly share their stories of choosing adoption for their child, and they long for others to understand it was a choice made out of love (wanting to give their child more than they had, or more than they could provide at that time), not just a painful necessity due to life circumstances.  Many children grow up knowing their birth families and feeling comfortable with their history, specifically because they know their story and there is no more guesswork or imagining the worst about their birth family or about themselves.  This lets them see that adoption was chosen for them for good reasons, even if they were painful ones.  Adoption long ago was treated as a shameful secret.  Not so today!

Another reason we appreciated those questions on the Census is because the number of multiracial families is growing steadily, including those families grown by adoption, and the Census is a great way to track that growth!  Someday, there will be accurate statistics that show that our family is not that unusual.  (In the early '90s, for instance, approximately 8% of all adoptions were transracial adoptions -- meaning the child is of a different race or ethnicity than the parents.  I suspect the numbers are a bit higher than that now!)

Interesting info.:
The majority of Americans are personally affected by adoption. In 1997, the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute conducted a benchmark survey of 1,554 adults to examine public attitudes toward the institution of adoption and members of the adoption triad. The survey found that 6 in 10 Americans have had personal experience with adoption, meaning that they themselves, a family member, or a close friend was adopted, had adopted a child, or had placed a child for adoption.

We love our open adoptions.  We love knowing our children's birth families.  We are proud to say we are an adoptive family. :)

Marcel & Mya

Now that Marcel (Niko) and Mya have settled in with their adoptive family, we enjoy occasional visits with them at the park.  Today the dads were both able to make it, and Dennae was at home with new baby brother, Judah. 

Watching all the kids playing together reminded me of a post from our previous family blog that we titled "Siblings, or Cousins?" (and that precious pj pic).  Oh, the blessings of open adoption! :)

Thank you to all of you who continue to ask about Marcel & Mya, and pray for them.  It is so appreciated.  They seem to be settling in well, and they are loving having a new baby brother in the family!

Hair Day

Some little girls may dread the routine of Mama or Daddy combing, braiding, and caring for their hair, but Destany usually looks forward to hair day.  She knows hair day means I take out her braids, gently wash her hair, then admire her amazing curls in the mirror with her.  While I am putting in her new style, she loves eating special treats (like homemade kettle corn) while watching a movie.  Other times we talk, sing songs, or tell stories.  It is a special girl time, even if the boys are along for the ride.  In fact, she usually doesn't mind their presence -- she puts them to work, fetching her pillow, a toy, etc. since she has to sit still!  No matter how long it takes, this time is important for both of us.  Hair is important.  And the smile on her face when we look in the mirror at the end is priceless.

Some favorite past posts about hair:

Hair - a sweet blessing  - a post on our old blog about hair and culture

Beauty (a friend's post) - Cate has 3 precious daughters from Haiti.  Hair is her life! :)

First Haircut - a post on our old blog - Keandre's first haircut

Another priceless interaction? When we visit Nichole (D's bmom), and Nichole tells Destany that her hair looks wonderful and Mommy is doing a great job. My daughter is so blessed to have so many in her life who love and affirm her place in our family.