chores!?!

     

  (source)

Does that word cause a pit in your stomach?  It does for me!  Our job as parents is to prepare our children for the world that awaits them -- spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  This includes the life skills that will help them be successful in life. 

Andy and I realized recently that we had slipped into that old parenting habit of constantly reminding our children to do what they already know they need to do. It was miserable for us and for the kids.  And it wasn't working.

Last I checked, Andy's boss doesn't bribe, cajole, or nag to get him to stay focused on his work.  It is Andy's responsibility to get his work done on time.  If he does, he is rewarded with good relationships with his boss and coworkers.  He is also rewarded with a paycheck!  If he doesn't do his work, 'real life' rewards him with some natural and logical consequences. 

Our former approach not only wasn't working; it was not preparing them for a world where they will not be reminded over and over to do their work -- they will receive a  natural or logical consequence (failed grade, lost job, etc.) and life will go on.  When they are grown, it is up to them whether they learn from those experiences, but in our home, we can talk about it and learn together. 

I had already prepared chore charts for each of them a few months ago, so they knew exactly what they needed to do, and when.  (ie, 'before lunch', 'before playing with friends', etc.)  The novelty had worn off.

We have now been using our new system for a couple weeks now, and I have to say we are all very happy with it!  We still use the above pictured chore charts.  In addition, here is what we did:

Please excuse the wrinkles on my 'example' chart. 

A certain toddler stepped on it as I was taking the picture. :)

We raised each child's allowance from a conservative $.25 per year (Nichole was receiving $1.75 per week at age 7) to $.50 per year (Nichole now receives $3.50 per week).  Lucas receives an addition $2 per week for caring for the chickens, rabbits, turtles, etc.

Then Andy and I considered the tasks that we find ourselves regularly nagging reminding them to do, and put a new policy in place -- they need to do their own work, or plan on paying someone else to do it.

Why is this a reasonable approach, you say?  Well, the reality is that we don't all keep up with what we need to do.  For instance, if Papa doesn't have time to mow his lawn, he might hire Daddy or Uncle Ian to do it for him.  If I've been focused on home schooling and I'm behind around the house, I occasionally hire a cleaning service to come and help me catch up.  Those are logical and acceptable alternatives to doing the work ourselves.

Our kids get a kick out of the fact that they don't have to do their work if they prefer not to.  Instead of hearing, "_____, you still haven't put your dishes in the dishwasher!", you will see Daddy clean up Sunday lunch, notice that a child was excused but did not take care of his dishes, do it for him, and note it on the chart.  Later, he will gently remind him, "You were busy with other activities. The job needed done, and I was happy to do it for you."  If the child complains about losing the money, the reply is, "You are welcome to do it yourself next time." :) 

Paying us to do their work for them is not a discipline....it is a privilege!  They get to choose to use their money that way if they wish, and we focus on the fact that we are all a team together, keeping the home running smoothly.  They are also learning the value of saving and spending.  (If they go into the negative, which we haveen't faced so far, they will need to either work to pay us back, or lose a privilege.)

On Saturdays, we go over the chart with them. (No shaming or tsk-tsking over how often we may have put their dishes in the dishwasher for them, or the fact that they skipped their chores 3 times this week.)  Then we divvy up the money due and head to a nearby thrift store, where there is much happiness as quarters and dollars are spent, and much searching for the 50% off colored tags.  (They are also learning how to shop for a bargain! :)  Each of them checks out on their own so they can hand over their money and keep their own change.  Doing this regularly helps them value their money in a way that we didn't see when it was just sitting in their bank.

How do you handle chores around your house?

*BIG* feelings

 

We've had some big feelings come out in the last few weeks.  It has not been pretty.  And it is *hard* to respond in appropriate ways when my kiddos are taking those big feelings out on me.  I know I'm a safe person in my children's lives, so they're trusting me to be able handle it.  And in turn, it's my job to help them learn another way of handling their emotions.  This is a huge responsibility!

One of the ways I help my children process their big emotions after a blow-out is through coloring.  (It's important to also color during happier times, so it doesn't feel like a reward -- extra time to together after a blow-out.)  We sit down together and get it all out on paper.  Then I add whatever words they want.  I encourage them to identify the feelings they were having when they were so upset.  Sometimes it is very insightful!  

Here, Keandre shares that his tummy is hurting.  He deals with chronic pain and a VERY limited diet, due to his EE & EGE.  He is starting to grieve the way he can't eat like other children.

It has also been a very tough adjustment for him now that Daddy has a full time job.  Andy was unemployed, and working occasional contract jobs from home, for the last 3 years.  Now he works long hours M - Th, plus finishing up some contract work on the weekends.  Praise God my sweetie can tell me what is upsetting him so we can help him work through it!

Nichole, age 7, is dealing with adoption losses.  Her birthmother (also Nichole) has been out of state for a while, and she really misses being in contact with her.  These are normal ups and downs in an open adoption.  I'm thankful she loves her birthmom and that she is willing to talk to me about it.

I'm feeling worn out by all the craziness and acting out.  So I needed to draw also.  As I put it on paper, not censoring how I think it 'should' look, I found myself calming down.  I was reminded of the Cross, and Christ's gift of forgiveness when I don't respond the way I want to.  I'm so thankful for His peace and comfort, too!



Lucas doesn't spill his emotions in the same intense way, but this approach is still very helpful for him.  Here is a picture he drew last year after he and I discussed a problem he faces regularly.  He was frustrated and tired of sharing a room with his brother.  Lucas can spend a couple hours cleaning his room, and within a two days (or is it hours?), it is a disaster again.  After working through it on paper, we talked about some solutions.

If you are caring for spirited or wounded children, I hope you'll consider a little informal art therapy.  I'd love to hear how it works out for you your kids! :)

It's really hard to pretend you're angry when you're no longer angry. :)

(Pictures and info shared with my children's permission.)

one hour

 

That's all it took for me to settle in and feel downright giddy at the thought of being 'alone' for the next 2 days (Brooklyn is with me since she's still nursing).  In fact, despite the fact that I didn't arrive at my little retreat until 10:30pm, and am in a perpetual state of fatigue these days, I was up until 1am.

It's just so peaceful here.  I couldn't help it! :)

I love these rare times when I can steal away and relax, think, pray, and seek God.  He is so gracious to show up and provide rest, refreshment, and new perspective.  I am still learning how to effectively balance life as a family of six, and I really want to slow down the pace of life a bit. But how can I do that when I barely have time to think?

This time away is probably the best Mother's Day treat ever.  Thank you SO much, Cathy, for the use of your beautiful home!  It is a treasured friend who not only knows my need for time away, but then gently insists that I take the opportunity when I can.  What would I do without you?!?

Thank you also to my sweet husband, who has the older three children with him.  He isn't just keeping them alive while I'm away -- he is doing all sorts of fun activities with them!  (Are you sure they miss me, hon? ;)

Now that I'm recovering from the craziness a bit, I am off to take my sweet baby out to dinner, then indulging in a little 'just for me' shopping!  Happy Mother's Day, my friends and family.  And for those who are still waiting to become parents, you are on my heart today.  Don't give up! :)

------------------------------
So, if you had a couple days to yourself for an in-town retreat, what would you do to rest, recover, and have a little fun?

Have I ever told you about.....?

     

Two of our sweeties can be rather challenging.*

One precious child struggles, at the heart level, to fully trust us to meet needs, to be safe and trustworthy, to love no matter what.  There is a deep need to control the surrounding environment.  It is hard.

Another is strong-willed.  Desiring to keep us on our toes.  Arguing with pretty much everything we say.  Delightful, I know.  We choose to believe it's a stage. :)

When our kiddos were a little younger, there were days that I called my mom, in tears, fearing deeply that I may not be able to help my child's heart heal.  I was anxious about the depth of the battle.  I longed to love without conflict, yet unsure of how to do that. 

Cue the hallelujah chorus.

My mom, experienced Mama that she is (four kids in six years!), gave us one of the best parenting tips ever.  It takes the distraction tactic to a new level.  It helps avoid those silly little battles that don't need to happen.  It has saved many a morning around here when one child seemed determined to sabotage the day for everyone.  And here is how it works.  (Yes, I am sharing this little gem for free! ;)

Mama:  "Hey sweetie, it's time to go to the bathroom.  We're leaving soon."
Child:  "I don't need to go!"
Mama:  "That's okay.  You don't have to go -- you just need to try."
Child:  "I don't want to!  I already went a while ago."
(You can see where this is going, right?  Ugh.  Been there, done that.  Not getting anywhere that way.)

Let's try this again....

Mama: "Hey sweetie, it's time to go to the bathroom. We're leaving soon."
Child: "I don't need to go!"
Mama:  "Hey, have I ever told you about ANTEATERS?  Can you believe there is a type of animal that actually eats bugs?  Crazy, huh.  Are you hungry for ants?  I bet I could catch some for our morning snack.  Ha, ha, ha...."

Meanwhile, Mom takes the child by the hand and nonchalantly walks toward the bathroom while filling the child in on the amazing anteater.  Getting there, she helps the child onto the potty, and keeps on talking.  Child cooperates.  Child does not seem to notice that s/he has been had.  Or child does not care, and chooses to bask in the positive (rather than negative!) attention. 

AMAZING.  Life-changing for us.  I dare you to try it! 

This also works with getting shoes on, cleaning up toys (hand the child toys to toss into the tub while you chat), getting in the bathtub, etc.  The main trick is to be calm, keep it interesting, and keep on talking, engaging them as you go along.  And don't talk about the battle they just tried to start.  Just keep on going.  (Deal with those heart issues when your child is in a better mood.  I promise, your conversation will be much more effective that way!)

My problem was Mommy Brain.  You know....that tiny little issue where formerly intelligent women struggle to string two coherant thoughts together.  I loved this idea, but wondered how in the world I'd put it into practice on the days when I really needed it.  Those days when I'm wiped out, tired of the battles, and just trying to keep it together. 

Again, my Mom came through for me.  The alphabet.  Come on -- tell me you didn't wonder why in the world I started with Anteaters.  When I use this tactic, I start with the letter A and quickly scan through.  The first semi-intriguing topic that pops into my head is the one I go with.  Alligators?  The beach?  Falling stars?  You betcha. 

Okay, now it's your turn.  Try this out, and tell me how it goes.  If you love it, I'll pass along the thank-yous to my Mom. :)

And please feel free to share your sanity saver parenting tips, too!  Goodness knows we can all use new ideas from time to time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*Did you know that a terribly stressful and conflicted pregnancy can change the way a child's brain develops? Our bodies are so intricately designed! Although healing truly is possible, it does not happen overnight, and it takes some pretty intentional parenting. More on that another day.